When I sit down to write, I'm usually
trying to work through something, find a way,
figure something out. But I'm not really sure
where to go when there are no good answers.
I'm learning to accept that I cannot change people.
Something I have always known but not always
handled gracefully.
I have never accepted the notion of taking sides.
You must be this or that. All in or nothing. No
compromise. No discussion. Until their mood changes
and they open their arms again. But it doesn't last.
Something rises in them like a beast ~ the wind,
a misinterpreted glance, bumping their head on the
car door and suddenly they are at war with the world.
And I am now the enemy.
But I don't go into battle easily. I watch
from a distance as their relationships
crumble around their arguments. Their
insecurities so raw that their voices grow
louder and louder to hide them from view.
And no one ever wins.
But these fights about trivial things begin
to define people, old wounds surface, and there
is always an awkwardness when they gather.
A tension in the room that fills me with sadness,
a familiar pain everyone is trying so hard not to
see. The same old patterns repeating themselves
in new ways, still finding a way inside our homes,
turning us into the same people we swore we'd never become.
And I'm starting to realize, despite my efforts,
there may never be a gesture big enough or words
passionate enough to truly make a difference.
And that maybe it's okay to let go this time, in
an honest, peaceful, loving way. Maybe it's time
to do for myself the things I've wanted so badly for
them. And in doing so, let the truth of my story
ripple and land where it may.
I am still the hopeful girl I have always been,
reaching, trying, growing. And I will follow the
road to the ones who value my ideas and support my dreams.
People who are there when I need them. Those are the people
I will fight for. Those are the relationships I will put my energy into.
Because that is where strength and beauty lie. And that is the path of
this road I am traveling. The place where the color of my heart is
safe and open and ready to reveal itself to the world.
This is so well said, and the sentiment rings home painfully true. You really do express yourself so beautifully. I miss your writing-- J, too. This is a new start I am so looking forward to! Thank you! Love you!
Posted by: Scotty | April 11, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Casey... I'm tearing up at school. Have I told you how beautiful you are lately? How your writing matches that beauty?
I'm filled with sadness knowing what this post is all about... and helpless not knowing what to say to help sometimes.
Always know I'm here for you.
Posted by: Jerred Zegelis | April 11, 2013 at 07:35 AM