Poemfish: Old Patterns. Fresh Start.

When I sit down to write, I'm usually
trying to work through something, find a way,
figure something out.  But I'm not really sure 
where to go when there are no good answers.  
I'm learning to accept that I cannot change people.
Something I have always known but not always 
handled gracefully.  

I have never accepted the notion of taking sides.
You must be this or that.  All in or nothing.  No
compromise.  No discussion.  Until their mood changes 
and they open their arms again.  But it doesn't last.  
Something rises in them like a beast ~ the wind, 
a misinterpreted glance, bumping their head on the 
car door and suddenly they are at war with the world.  
And I am now the enemy.

But I don't go into battle easily.  I watch
from a distance as their relationships
crumble around their arguments.  Their  
insecurities so raw that their voices grow 
louder and louder to hide them from view.
And no one ever wins.

But these fights about trivial things begin 
to define people, old wounds surface, and there 
is always an awkwardness when they gather.  
A tension in the room that fills me with sadness, 
a familiar pain everyone is trying so hard not to
see.  The same old patterns repeating themselves 
in new ways, still finding a way inside our homes, 
turning us into the same people we swore we'd never become.

And I'm starting to realize, despite my efforts,
there may never be a gesture big enough or words 
passionate enough to truly make a difference.
And that maybe it's okay to let go this time, in
an honest, peaceful, loving way.  Maybe it's time
to do for myself the things I've wanted so badly for
them.  And in doing so, let the truth of my story
ripple and land where it may.  

I am still the hopeful girl I have always been, 
reaching, trying, growing.  And I will follow the
road to the ones who value my ideas and support my dreams.
People who are there when I need them.  Those are the people 
I will fight for.  Those are the relationships I will put my energy into.
Because that is where strength and beauty lie.  And that is the path of
this road I am traveling.  The place where the color of my heart is 
safe and open and ready to reveal itself to the world.

Comments

This is so well said, and the sentiment rings home painfully true. You really do express yourself so beautifully. I miss your writing-- J, too. This is a new start I am so looking forward to! Thank you! Love you!

Posted by: Scotty | April 11, 2013 at 10:38 AM