Poemfish

Leap

I doubt myself.  A lot.
And that can be a bit of a challenge, 
to say the least, when you are a
small business owner who must survive
on trying to promote what you do and,
ultimately, who you are.  I am constantly
comparing myself to others, frustrated that
I can't find the time to follow through
with all my creative ideas.  I get overwhelmed
by all the things I should be doing that 
I shut down.  Don't start. 

I am always trying to be a better photographer, artist,
writer, mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter,
human . . .  But the thing is, even when I feel
as though I'm failing at all of it, 
I truly believe there is still hope, waiting 
in the wings for me.  

I look at my son's sweet face, and I
realize caring for this little person, talking to
him, showing him how to see the beauty in this amazing
world around us, matters.  Like, big time.  And this
may be the biggest job I ever tackle, the thing that
matters the most.  

I want to show him that we all have something unique 
to offer this world, to hold up and share with the people 
we meet on our journey, whether they be family, friends, or clients.  
And yes, all of that fear and doubt is part of it ~ pushing us
along, reminding us there is strength in our bones as long as
we have breath.  That we can come to the edge, with open hearts,
and leap.  Not because the world is watching, but because we know
at our core, we are worth it.  

Buds and birds and . . . beginnings

"Buds and birds and . . . beginnings." ~ S. Kurz

That line is such a simple, perfect expression of spring, and 
I'm desperate to get to that place.  
Not just on the outside but on the inside.
When winter lingers in my heart too long, I get stuck.
Frozen in a place of numbness so hard to break free from.
I cut ties, focus on just getting through the daily tasks
required of me, and I quietly drift away . . . 

But I can see the light in the distance, and I am reaching
for it.  It's hard to know what this cloud around me is
made of, anxiety, allergies, depression, a reaction 
to processed foods, maybe all of it.  

But as long as there is still a slice of hope in my
heart, I know I will get there.  And holding
on to these words from a sweet email I got this morning helps:  
"Stay positive and know that we are climbing together."  

Fear of Failure

"Do one thing every day that scares you."
~Eleanor Roosevelt 

I am one of those people who
thinks 10 steps ahead before
I make any kind of decision.
Sort of kills the notion of spontaneity
sometimes, but, even in high school, I was always the one
in the group afraid of breaking the rules.
I tried to make sure we didn't get into
trouble or dangerous situations, 
made sure we got home by curfew.

But there can be flaws to this kind of over-thinking.
You can contemplate decisions so much that, in doing so,
you don't make any.  And soon you are frozen in this place
of constant worry and inaction.

This is something I have always struggled with.  In doing anything,
there is the possibility of failure.  But, then again, the same can 
be said about success.  But why do I see the picture of failure
so much more clearly?  Because I choose to.

The reasons are different for everyone.  Because of experiences 
we've had throughout our lives, little things we've seen and
internalized without even realizing it.  But this is a battle 
we face with every decision we make.  Do we 
want to succeed or will we let ourselves fail?  
This is the difference between truly living and 
just imagining a brilliant life we somehow believe we can 
never have, or worse, feel we don't deserve.

So how do we overcome this?  

By doing.  Trying.  Challenging ourselves.  
For me, it helps knowing I have a support system
around me.  People who believe in me and want me
to succeed and flourish.  People who will help
me get back up when I've fallen.  Art and writing
have also pushed me to those places.  Understanding
why I am so afraid of something.  Looking deeper into
my fears and realizing they don't have as much weight
as I initially thought.  At the end of the day, at the end
of our lives, will we be able to accept that we haven't chased
our dreams and reached for our full potential?  Our will we
sit back with our feet up, smiling, reveling in the beauty of
all we have achieved.  I think I know which one sounds better
to me.  

Finding Your Mojo

It always surprises me.
How easy it is to lose something
so important.  Maybe it's thrown
in the backseat next to an empty
water bottle or it slipped out through 
that hole in your pocket you've been 
meaning to sew.  It happens slowly, over time.  
Scattering like pieces of a puzzle you forgot you had.
Until one day you realize, sitting alone
in your living room, it's gone.  
Your mojo.  You've lost it.

There is moment of panic.  The reality, raw, like
a slap in the face.  And then the need for a plan.
Time to call in the search party before too much
time has passed.  

The answer, for me, has always been writing.  Get up.  
Get back to the words.  They will show you the way.
They always have.  

From that little girl in the house on
Stanley street typing stories on her plastic blue typewriter,
to the lost college student trying to find her voice, up until now.

So here I am again.  Writing.  
Translating my heart into words, 
unsure of what I'll find. But hoping, 
knowing, the answers are within these pages,  
leading me where I need to go.  
Because they have to be . . . because
they always have. 

Open Road

There's something about being on the open road
that clears the senses, makes things new again.
Fresh air, green grass, the intoxication that
lingers when half your view is open sky.

And so your journey begins today, much like
any other day.  The road to discovery and truth.
There is no map, just the ache of your bones to
feel whole again.  Wind pushing you forward,  
ready to start your life once more. 

 

Voice

When I think of the word voice, I don't 
just think of the sound that comes out
of someone's mouth when they speak.
I don't think of a certain song or the
way a singer's voice resonates as their words 
echo through the speakers of my radio.
I think of something vast, like an ocean,
that lives inside a person.  A collection
of stories and experiences, glances and
decisions, that form the outline of a life.

I didn't always think of it this way.
It's a notion I've grown into through the
years, as I have made my way through my
own darkness and light.  I have come to
see my voice as something vital.  Something
I cannot live without.  A thing that is
connected to everything I do, living, 
pulsing outward toward the world like breath.

Voice is something that wraps itself
around the deepest part of our hearts and 
clings to our passion, even when our 
mind is unsure.  It is the thing that
wields the greatest power and is the 
simplest declaration of our strength.  

It is the definition of possibility, if we are
brave enough to let it be heard. 

 

The Little Things

Little Things

I live for the little things.
The tiny bits of grass that pop up between cracks in the pavement,
watching the golden streaks of sun kiss the sky goodnight,
the way my son's hair curls around his face after a nap,
and finding matchbox cars hidden in random places throughout the house ~ 
nestled inside laundry, pillows, shoes, and sometimes, the refrigerator.

The person that holds the door for me at the grocery store
or says "bless you" when I sneeze.  
The cherry on top (and saving it for last, of course).  
Hearing a child giggle with true delight ~ you know, that 
deep laughter that comes from the pit of their bellies and 
rolls of their tongue with such careless ease.

Listening to music as a kitty sits in the window, the
breeze gently moving past us both.  And the smell of
paint lingering in the air and on my fingertips.

The way the wrinkles around my husband's eyes extend when he smiles,
reminding me of our history together and that perfect summer day
we were married underneath the bluest sky, til this day, I have ever seen.

They are not the things that will be written in history books or
passed down in stories from generation to generation.  And yet, 
I can't imagine my life without them.

Old Patterns. Fresh Start.

When I sit down to write, I'm usually
trying to work through something, find a way,
figure something out.  But I'm not really sure 
where to go when there are no good answers.  
I'm learning to accept that I cannot change people.
Something I have always known but not always 
handled gracefully.  

I have never accepted the notion of taking sides.
You must be this or that.  All in or nothing.  No
compromise.  No discussion.  Until their mood changes 
and they open their arms again.  But it doesn't last.  
Something rises in them like a beast ~ the wind, 
a misinterpreted glance, bumping their head on the 
car door and suddenly they are at war with the world.  
And I am now the enemy.

But I don't go into battle easily.  I watch
from a distance as their relationships
crumble around their arguments.  Their  
insecurities so raw that their voices grow 
louder and louder to hide them from view.
And no one ever wins.

But these fights about trivial things begin 
to define people, old wounds surface, and there 
is always an awkwardness when they gather.  
A tension in the room that fills me with sadness, 
a familiar pain everyone is trying so hard not to
see.  The same old patterns repeating themselves 
in new ways, still finding a way inside our homes, 
turning us into the same people we swore we'd never become.

And I'm starting to realize, despite my efforts,
there may never be a gesture big enough or words 
passionate enough to truly make a difference.
And that maybe it's okay to let go this time, in
an honest, peaceful, loving way.  Maybe it's time
to do for myself the things I've wanted so badly for
them.  And in doing so, let the truth of my story
ripple and land where it may.  

I am still the hopeful girl I have always been, 
reaching, trying, growing.  And I will follow the
road to the ones who value my ideas and support my dreams.
People who are there when I need them.  Those are the people 
I will fight for.  Those are the relationships I will put my energy into.
Because that is where strength and beauty lie.  And that is the path of
this road I am traveling.  The place where the color of my heart is 
safe and open and ready to reveal itself to the world. 

Bursting at the Seams

This is one of my favorite photos ~ 
one of my favorite memories.  
J, the dude, & I took a road trip to
Minnesota last September.  We stayed
in a hotel with a pool and an awesome
mini splash area that the dude loved.
He loved it so much & played so hard, 
that he was pretty tired whenever we
ventured outside the hotel.  Our plan
was to take him to Nickelodeon Universe
in the Mall of America, but the dude was 
kind of crabby and we started to think 
it was going to cost too much money anyway,
so we decided to head home early.
I was feeling pretty deflated 
but settled on the idea to leave.  
The mood in the car was somber.  
After a few minutes circling in mall traffic, 
without saying a word, J turned the car around 
and drove back to the mall.
"Let's just do it!" he said.  
The dude and I lit up and 
we headed to Nickelodeon Universe.
We had an absolute blast.  The dude loved all the
rides and was giddy the entire time.  This photo
was taken while he & J rode on a giant hot air
balloon.  The dude has a stuffed hot air balloon
hanging in his bedroom that he's had since he was
born.  So he was excited to see a giant balloon he could
actually ride in.  This was the last ride of our trip,
so he was exhausted but still super excited.  
He was literally closing his eyes with his head in J's lap 
in the moments before and after this shot was taken, but 
the look of pure joy on his face just sums up the entire trip for me.  
It makes my heart burst at the seams and 
reminds me where my smile is hiding on dark days.
It makes every tough moment worth it. 

 

Along the Way

It’s so easy to get bogged down in
all the things we’re unhappy about
in our lives.  All the ways we’ve
failed in the past, worries that
we can’t live the lives we’ve
imagined for ourselves. 
 
But those failures don’t define us. 
They pave the way for change. 
 
I’m not saying staying motivated
isn’t one of the hardest things
in the world.  It is.  The challenges
of work, family, bills and an often
overwhelming feeling that the stars
are aligning against us can make
happiness and success seem unreachable. 
But every decision we make can affect
whether we get farther from our dreams
or closer to them. 
 
It might be something as simple as
skipping our morning news scan and
firing up our blog instead. 
Throwing some fruit & veggies in a
blender instead stuffing ourselves
with processed foods filled with
ingredients we can’t pronounce. 
Believing in ourselves when we’ve
lost our way.  Knowing we will
get where we need to be if we remain
hopeful and open to change. 
And following those things that
speak “yes” to our hearts along the way.