The past year has been a blur.
My first full year being a mother has
been filled with so many firsts: my
little guy’s 1st foods, words, crawls
and eventually steps. The wonder in
his eyes as he experienced new places
and things filled my heart with
happiness and hope. But being at home
so much has also been difficult.
I miss deep conversations with friends,
working at a normal pace so I actually
enjoy it. I haven't had time for
blogging or art. I find myself barely
staying on top of the housework and
keeping up with wedding albums and
portrait sessions, yet it seems as though
I am still not working nearly enough.
My goal was to be caught up by the end
of 2010, and I pretty much met that goal,
although somehow it doesn't feel quite as
good as I imagined. I decided January
would be my month to sort of regroup and
really set some goals for myself and my
career. But it seems the space I cleared
has only opened more room for uncertainty
and self-doubt.
I have been at this place before - this
place of unknowing . . . searching . . .
but it has never felt so heavy against my
heart, as if the weight of it could break
me in half at any moment.
The decisions I make don't just affect me
anymore. Now there is a tiny person that
depends on me physically and emotionally.
Everything I do suddenly matters, and I am
scared to death that I will make the wrong
choices, or worse, that I will collapse in
a heap of indecision and find myself truly
lost. So this is the beginning of my journey
out, up, my way of trying to do just that -
to find my way. And it seems, for me, it
has always started with words . . .
So glad you are writing again. You always seem to capture universal feelings...thanks.
Posted by: Rebecca | January 25, 2011 at 07:59 AM