Poemfish

Trying . . .

 

So, I've been doing that thing again,
working too hard, not giving myself enough
time and space to reflect and be.

I have been trying to get caught up on
editing photos, designing wedding albums,
and creating slideshows, hoping to work
on some custom artwork and then prepare
for my art show at the White Crane on Oct 2nd,
the holiday season looming . . .

And we've barely begun all the room switches
and painting at home that need to be done before
the baby arrives in early December.

This is my reminder to calm down and give
myself some breathing room. I'm no good
to myself or anyone else if I'm stressed
out and tired all the time.  And as my
husband put it so eloquently last night,
"We'll be fine if the baby comes & none
of the house stuff gets done. People do it
all the time."

So I've decided to post my updated intentions
for my "Year of Sparkles in the Pavement"
to help me stay focused on what's important
and remind me to stay strong amidst
the uncertainty and chaos:

1. Fill everyday with things that inspire me.

2. Spend time outdoors.

3. Fill my body with things that nourish and energize me.

4. Be grateful for the things I have and the people in my life.

5. Be passionate about my life's work and achieving my goals while being compensated abundantly.

(I think it's funny how they get longer.)

Here's to allowing myself to begin again . . .

Windows

 

We've been getting some bids on having a door
and a few windows replaced in our house.  There
was a guy here yesterday making small talk etc,
and he asked me what I did for a living.  I told him
my husband and I are photographers.  He talked
about his oldest daughter getting married recently
and then, as he was leaving, he said, as an afterthought,
so your husband takes the pictures and you do the
props? 

I must admit, it made me smile.  I mean, it wasn't
mean-spirited at all, but it's just funny that whenever
I tell people we are both photographers, they always assume
Jerred is the "real" photographer & I'm like a tag-along. 
I think it adds to my insecurity about it, although I think
my confidence has grown in the past year since I've been
doing so many shoots alone.

Makes me wonder sometimes what people see when they look at me. 
Although I realize people come into relationships and conversations
with their own perceptions and expectations.  I guess if I would
have just said "I'm a photographer," since he really just asked
what I did, that probably would have been it.  I wouldn't have opened
the door for making myself into some kind of assistant.  I guess since
Jerred & I are in business together and we really are a team, I just
always include the both of us when people ask what I do.
Maybe I should try responding for myself when people ask.
Maybe I've been setting myself up for those types of comments all
this time, even sabotaging my own confidence.  I think I'll give
it a try and see how it feels.   

My Year . . . Continued

 

The past two days have been filled with excitement and
inspiration, and I feel like I'm finally turning the corner
and getting my mojo back.  So, let me start with the
biggest news (although I'm sure the few people reading this blog
already know), but it's time for the official announcement ~
I'm having a baby. 

Our baby boy is set to arrive the beginning of December,
and we are absolutely thrilled.  I'm taking this week to
get caught up on wedding photos, portraits, albums, and slideshows
and hoping to dive into art next week.  This summer has been
filled with photos and weddings, and I haven't created any
artwork since spring.  Yikes.

So I decided to make a list (I LOVE lists) of everything I
need/want to accomplish and just start doing them when I
can.  I have dedicated this week as "Photo Week," and so far
so good.  It can be hard for me to work in the summer sometimes
when Jerred is home, and ever since he has gone back I have
gone back to work, and it feels great.

We are also planning some major room switches in our house
before the arrival of our little one, and the thought of
having to pick colors, paint, think organization & design,
and move lots of heavy stuff has been overwhelming.  But
my friend Melissa, who has the most amazingly beautiful home,
stopped by today to help me brainstorm, and of course she
had some wonderful ideas about the spaces that I cannot wait
to see come alive.  The idea of having help has lessened my
stress, and I am truly excited for everything that's in store.

Even though it's almost the end of August, I feel like my year
of "Sparkles in the Pavement" is just beginning . . .

Technical difficulties

 

All aspects of my "technical world" are in chaos,
and just being at my computer desk lately fills
me with sadness & rage.  A few weeks ago my computer
died.  My husband was able to save everything, but
it was a big inconvenience & we had to buy a new computer.

Just as I was getting used to my new computer, my old external
hard drive died.  Gone.  Over.  Done.  It could not be saved.
I lost all my business documents and all my personal photos
from the last year and a half.  I cried.  I raged.  I walked
around listlessly, unsure who I was without that stuff, not even
knowing the extent of what I lost because there was just so much.

So I am still in a stage of limbo.  I have photos and documents
everywhere, still unable to combine them all and get organized,
every day thinking of some new photograph that was lost
in the meltdown, knowing I must get organized now before
some other thing crashes and burns. 

My frustration with myself and lack of blogging has led me
here.  Now.  To post something, for fear I won't be able to
salvage my relationship with my computer and its ability to
connect me to the outside world.  I am trying to be happy
for the things I have, quietly mourn the things I've lost, and
learn the lessons that should have been learned when my
last computer died a year and a half ago - back stuff up,
live more simply, make time for the things that are important. 
Forgive my absence and my rant.
This is my new beginning.

A little sun

  

Sometimes when we feel like we're failing,
it's hard to find the energy and motivation
to pick ourselves up and start again.  Today,
I found a bit of inspiration in my Inbox.

I have been failing at my commitment to post 30 blogs in 30 days
so I've found myself hiding from my blog again.
I feel like I have not just let myself down, but that
I've disappointed anyone who reads my blog.

But this morning I got a lovely email from a friend of
mine I don't see that often, and her words filled a space
in my heart that has been yearning for some sunlight
for a while now: 

"well i decided to blog daily when i saw your 30 posts in 30 days...
just to "do" and stop the insanity of unhappiness that i am soooo stuck in!
as little as I've seen you, you have been one of the highlights of "this time"
(the time that must not be named!) ... having coffee forever ago,
going to your art show, your christmas gift to me, the cubicle book and pictures,
I havent shared my gratitude, and i'm sorry for that! But, thank you,
thank you! you remain a bright light in my life! I hope you are well well well &
tell your fabulous hubby hello - and we'll have coffee again& hopefully soon!"

Even though I don't see this person all the time, whenever we talk or
spend time together, it's like we've never missed a beat.  We're old souls.
And her words fill me with hope and happiness and the simplicity of
just being honest and speaking from your heart, no matter how much time
or messiness has passed.

SO here I am, writing again.  Standing on my own two feet,
wearing my sparkly pink sandals.  Unsure of where my life is going,
but accepting that I am far from perfect, and well, that's okay.

I am writing not to make some new blog quota commitment, but rather
to honor the place I am in my life right now, and move forward with
the hope and love and passion that make up the pieces of the person
I am and the person I'm still becoming.

Thanks, friend, for checking in and giving my laugh lines
a little sun.  Just what I needed.

MJ

  Photo by: unknown

If you asked me a week ago if I was a
Michael Jackson fan, I probably would have
said, "No," without giving it much thought.
But since his death and the resurgence of
all the music that made him such an icon,
it's like I've been transported back to
a part of my childhood, the part filled
with music and dreams and dancing.

I grew up loving Michael Jackson's music,
playing the Thriller album over & over again.
My brother & I used to make up dances to his
songs and perform our routines for my parents
in our living room on Stanley Street. 

We even had a glove my brother covered with glue
and several jars of silver glitter.
We wanted the glove to be a surprise when we performed,
so we'd practice our routines in the basement &
then hide it in one of the ceiling tiles so no one would know. 
Of course when we finally broke it out
for our big performance, there was glitter
everywhere and we were banned from bringing it
out again.  But We kept it hidden in that ceiling tile
and took it out when no one was around because it
was just so cool.  We felt like we were superstars ~
like Michael Jackson.

I remember when my brother taught me how to do the
moonwalk while we wore our footed pajamas and
how cool it was watching the "We Are the World" video,
knowing the importance of what the song was about. 
And "Man in the Mirror" came out at a time in my life
when I was realizing the importance of trying to
have a positive impact on the world around me. 

As I got older, I began listening to other
types of music, and Michael Jackson seemed over shadowed
by all the stories in the media ~ accusations and
plastic surgery, strange behavior and appearances.

But today's Memorial Service was a touching reminder
of the creative genius he was.  We will probably never
know the truth from the fiction, but I, like many others,
will always remember the impact his music had on my life,
the excitement of singing along to Billy Jean, and
practicing those slick dance moves in the mirror
as we watched the Thriller video hundreds of times.
Great memories and stories that will stay with me
for the rest of my life.

Rest in peace.

Lessons Learned

 

Last summer we bought a new bed and, in preparation
for its arrival, began the process of stripping away
layers of wallpaper so we could prep the walls and
then paint them.  We finished about half the room -
basically just the walls directly around where the bed
would go, and then of course, never finished.  Well,
this week we've decided to finish the process once & for all. 

 

The only housework I might like less than removing wallpaper
is probably raking leaves.  Something we learned after
burning through about 6 bottles of DIF wallpaper stripper
(at about $6 a bottle), then moving on to detergent mixed with water,
(read about that online) & even using a steamer, is that plain water
in a spray bottle works the best and it's the cheapest! 
The key is to get the paper really wet and let the water soak in
for a minute or so.  By the last wall, we had actually
perfected the technique so the paper came off in strips with
a scraper once we got it wet enough.  I can't even tell you
how horrible it was before we realized just how wet we needed to get
that paper to get it off.  Lesson WAY learned.

 

So this morning, we finished removing all the layers of old wallpaper, and
I am feeling pretty great about our accomplishment.  Next comes sanding and
puttying the walls and hopefully we can paint next week!  I might take the
weekend off.  Yay!

Seeing Red

 

A Bit of Hope

 

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world
hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take.
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear,
finding myself making every possible mistake . . ."
- From song "New Soul" by Yael Naim

We all make mistakes.  There are moments, days,
months when we find ourselves lost and filled
with regret and dread.  But those moments alone
don't define us.  They are simply part of our
journey on this messy, confusing, undefined road.

We are defined by who we are when we finally emerge
from that dark place and what we do with the lessons
we have learned. 

We can't be afraid to change direction when things
aren't working, when our heart has grown heavy
from something we thought we once loved.  There
is love all around us, in quiet, unexpected places,
waiting to tap our heart on the shoulder and show
us all the beauty we still have yet to see.

Gratitude

  

Some days it's enough
to just follow your heart
to the beauty of the
quiet places it leads you ~
walking through a garden
as tiny raindrops whisper
against your skin, sitting
next to a pool of water
that smells like summer,
eating a bagel at the dining
room table and sitting across
from the person you love most
in this world.  Today was about
absorbing those moments as they
happened and being so grateful
for all the simple things that
bring me such contentment and
joy.  Wishing you the same . . .